Friday, October 8, 2010

I'm Back, Baby!

Well, I did it. I ventured out of my cozy little forest and wreaked some havoc. I started by slaying a bunch of animals and dumping the corpses in people's yards. To be honest, some were roadkill, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Next I had the good fortune of a local elementary school having a field trip into the edge of my forest. I think they were supposed to be learning botany, but they were like, second graders, so I don't think it really accomplished anything. Not for them, anyway. Seeing as they were second graders, and second graders are stupid, a couple got separated from the group. Oh I messed their psyches up real good (ie. made them watch three Law & Order marathons). There's no way they'll be functional members of society when they grow up.

Oh, I went and checked up on those guys who came into my forest with cameras. The ones from my first blog entry? They all seemed normal. Well, except for the one with the strange fascination with masquerade masks... Ah, well, I'm sure it's nothing.

Nothing else has really been going on... unless you count that one guy who got super pissed when he found the dead animals in his yard. He followed an organ trail to the outskirts of the forest and started kicking trees when he didn't find anyone. Thought about killing him, but I was too amused by his rage.

Ah, I almost forgot... stole a TV. Thought I'd mention it.

Sunday, September 12, 2010


In a fit of depressed rage Friday night, I broke my television. Now I'm missing out on like, 500 episodes of Law & Order a day. I mean, sure every episode is basically the same, but come on! Elliott is such a badass! And Olivia is totally hot. I would do terrible, terrible things to her psyche.

I guess I could just torrent it, but that would take forever. And don't say a word about my internet connection; it was hard enough getting the T.V. out here in the middle of a forest, so excuse me if I don't have fiber optic internet. And it's not like I can just go to the local Best Buy and pick up a new Vizio to fulfill my SVU needs.

Speaking of me buying things, I keep seeing all of these  '$20' jokes about me. Yeah, ha ha ha, it's so very funny and all DO YOU REALLY THINK I HAVE ANY USE FOR YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN CURRENCY? I mean seriously, you all know that people have a hard time even noticing I'm in the room half the time. I walk into a store and either no one notices me or everyone freaks out and runs away screaming bloody murder. That's why I make my own suits. Well, that and the fact that not even Men's Wearhouse's 'Tall' section has anything my size. And don't even ask how I get a hold of the fabric.

But, we're getting of topic now. So, about my T.V. issue... well I guess I could just steal one. But then, someone might loose their job because of incompetence and it'd be my fault, and I don't want to be responsible for ruining someone's livelihood, and HOLY SHIT WHAT AM I SAYING!? 

I was right. I really have changed. I'm gonna go leave some dead animals on peoples lawns.

It's time for me to get out of this rut.

Monday, September 6, 2010

When did I change?

I used to only kidnap children. Their fears are quite delicious. Children never tried to shoot me. Now, I find myself stalking college students, detectives, even artists and fitness instructors .

I'm beginning to think I have too much time on my hands.
I went to Iraq for Christ's sake!

And now I'm blogging.
Time to find a hobby, methinks.

Thursday, September 2, 2010


I was enjoying a peaceful slumber after feasting on the fears of some small children, when I sensed a presence in my forest. I decided to check it out; something had woken me up, and whatever it was, it was going to pay dearly. I made my way to the disturbance, still on the outskirts of my realm, but venturing further than I'd like. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered a small number of people with cameras wondering around my home.

Naturally I assumed they were the paparazzi, so, to protect my good name, I thoroughly mind-raped them all. Of course, I also made sure to generate a small EM field, to disrupt their cameras. I wasn't really in the mood for a slaughter, so I gave them the blue pill routine and returned them to their homes.

Maybe I'll check up on them later, to make sure the mind-wipe took hold.