Sunday, September 12, 2010


In a fit of depressed rage Friday night, I broke my television. Now I'm missing out on like, 500 episodes of Law & Order a day. I mean, sure every episode is basically the same, but come on! Elliott is such a badass! And Olivia is totally hot. I would do terrible, terrible things to her psyche.

I guess I could just torrent it, but that would take forever. And don't say a word about my internet connection; it was hard enough getting the T.V. out here in the middle of a forest, so excuse me if I don't have fiber optic internet. And it's not like I can just go to the local Best Buy and pick up a new Vizio to fulfill my SVU needs.

Speaking of me buying things, I keep seeing all of these  '$20' jokes about me. Yeah, ha ha ha, it's so very funny and all DO YOU REALLY THINK I HAVE ANY USE FOR YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN CURRENCY? I mean seriously, you all know that people have a hard time even noticing I'm in the room half the time. I walk into a store and either no one notices me or everyone freaks out and runs away screaming bloody murder. That's why I make my own suits. Well, that and the fact that not even Men's Wearhouse's 'Tall' section has anything my size. And don't even ask how I get a hold of the fabric.

But, we're getting of topic now. So, about my T.V. issue... well I guess I could just steal one. But then, someone might loose their job because of incompetence and it'd be my fault, and I don't want to be responsible for ruining someone's livelihood, and HOLY SHIT WHAT AM I SAYING!? 

I was right. I really have changed. I'm gonna go leave some dead animals on peoples lawns.

It's time for me to get out of this rut.

Monday, September 6, 2010

When did I change?

I used to only kidnap children. Their fears are quite delicious. Children never tried to shoot me. Now, I find myself stalking college students, detectives, even artists and fitness instructors .

I'm beginning to think I have too much time on my hands.
I went to Iraq for Christ's sake!

And now I'm blogging.
Time to find a hobby, methinks.

Thursday, September 2, 2010


I was enjoying a peaceful slumber after feasting on the fears of some small children, when I sensed a presence in my forest. I decided to check it out; something had woken me up, and whatever it was, it was going to pay dearly. I made my way to the disturbance, still on the outskirts of my realm, but venturing further than I'd like. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered a small number of people with cameras wondering around my home.

Naturally I assumed they were the paparazzi, so, to protect my good name, I thoroughly mind-raped them all. Of course, I also made sure to generate a small EM field, to disrupt their cameras. I wasn't really in the mood for a slaughter, so I gave them the blue pill routine and returned them to their homes.

Maybe I'll check up on them later, to make sure the mind-wipe took hold.